kung fu grippe


  1. Introducing “ū—”: A Distraction-Free Writing Environment

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

    Experience “ū—”: The Last Distraction-Free Writing Environment You’ll Buy. Today.

    PORTLAND, OR - The Ourobouros Fun Factory, LLC is proud to announce a revolutionary new tool for serious artists doing serious work. It’s a distraction-free writing environment that we call “ū—" (pron. "YOOOoooouuuuu…”). And, it’s going to change the way you think about thinking about maybe writing some day forever.

    Like OFF’s award-nominated iPad app, “Pomodoro Procrastination Timer, Focus Journal, and Pro Writer’s Flashlight+ HD (50% Off for Limited Time)™”, the entirely new ū— takes everything we’ve learned about people who like to think about distraction-free writing, and applies it in the service of a fantastic app experience that’s as easy to buy as it is to set all the preferences and then dick around with it for a couple minutes maybe almost even accidentally writing for a couple seconds there.

    We call this workhorse, “ū—" in tribute to an untranslatable Inuit word meaning, "the moment when Family Leader finds himself sweeping yak hair from [ice-covered lean-to] while his angry wife screams heavily-distracting criticism of Family Leader’s time use." Since it’s untranslatable and we don’t speak a word of Inuit, we’re not sure what that word would be. But, we definitely thought "ū—" sounded cool and a little Eskimoey.

    Also, we had to come up with a name that wasn’t already on the App store. So.

    Whether you review writing apps, blog about writing apps, or simply author angry forum posts about the limited functionality and lack of distraction-free-environment-ness plaguing most writing apps, we think any serious writer will benefit from our gorgeous and minimalistic design choices.

    While some so-called environments that are less free of distraction may display one, three, or even more lines of text—all at the same time—we understand that if you could only achieve the theoretical removal of all theoretical distractions, you would finally be able to write something. And we want ū— to help you almost do that.

    Look at this mess our competitors’ “Distraction-Free Writing Environment” dumps on you:

    And, compare that with ū—:

    Relax! Your glasses are working just fine; what you’re seeing here is exactly what YOU will see.

    Because, ū— is the first app to remove every conceivable distraction from the drafting process—including cruft like paragraphs, lines, and words. This is why ū— only displays the bottom half of one letter at a time. Talk about focus.

    But, ū— is not just your typical “half-glyph Johnny.” Far from it.

    We also understand that the only way to truly remove an unproductive distraction is to replace it with potentially dozens of more highly productive distractions.

    That’s why ū— provides the theoretically serious writer with an incomparably powerful range of options, preferences, and customizations that can literally be tweaked forever without writing a single word—let alone half a character.

    Defeat most any distraction through your own endlessly re-customized combination of options:

    • Choose which species of autumnal tree to display in your distraction-free margin (we like “The Surprisingly Focused Larch”)
    • Play non-distracting circus music every time you manage to finish a word
    • Enjoy the minty “DONNNNNNNNG!!!” of a distraction-free wind chime every 60 seconds—just to remind you that you’re really “in the zone”
    • Move beyond “Full-Screen Mode” by invoking “No Screen Mode”—just bang on the keyboard for a few seconds until ū— honks the Distraction-Free Success Horn that celebrates your hitting the morning’s character count
    • Stay in non-stop touch with The Distraction-Free Community by showing distraction-free real-time Facebook and Twitter updates from your fellow ū—sers
    • Set which affirmations you’d like our lovable “Focus the Clown” to scream at you by random intervals. He’s focus-larious!
    • Show your growth as a serious writer by selecting an avatar of some writer who’s actually finished writing something. Update the size and add elliptical quotes as often as you like. Feed and water your avatar with distraction-free treats.
    • Click “typewriter dancing.” (We won’t spoil the surprise for you.)
    • Generate distraction-free, in-app pizza orders via Domino’s©. “Domino’s©: Domino’s Delivers™.”
    • Set the “Angry Masturbation Break” timer to whatever interval suits you and your distraction-free genitals.
    • Set menu display kerning and help manual line-height; or develop your own customized, distraction-free style sheet
    • Say sayonara to the tick-tock of that distracting clock; “Tojo the Time-Teller” will announce the exact time every seven seconds, occasionally offering distraction-free encouragements in distraction-free pidgin English
    • Ask “Virtual Hemingway” to silently monitor everything you do and suggest when it’s time to try a new customized distraction-freeing setting. But, watch out! He might shoot your distractions and put them on his wall! Ha ha.
    • Many more.

    If you’re tired of blaming your lack of writing on bullshit like fake distractions, why not buy a more effective distraction remover? Why not try ū—? Available for Windows, OS X, Linux, iPhone, iPad, Android, BlackBerry, and Moleskine.

    Remember: Only ū— can make the writing happen™.

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