kung fu grippe

Block you.

Looks like Google Voice recently introduced the second-best thing ever: ability to block a given “UNKNOWN” caller, even though, by definition, you don’t know their identity or number. Marry me.

Frankly, I don’t care whether this works by wires, slave labor, or fucking elfin magic, it’s gold, and it’s awesome, and I can finally stop dealing with mystery meat voicemails for poor Jhonny Garcia.

But, what would be the best thing ever? The total solution. For Google Voice to automatically test and, when necessary, [greylist/quarantine/voicemail] any number that’s not already in my contact list (viz, for which I have not provided specific permission to contact me).

Meaning, take it all a logical step further and—with just a bit of the technology that’s already built-in to every mobile service in the world—do all of the heavy lifting for me.

So, before I ever hear a ring, get a voicemail, or otherwise know the calling stranger even exists, they get the giant portcullis and a test:

Hi there. My phone robot can’t detect or doesn’t recognize the phone number you’re calling from. After the beep, enter the real phone number where you can be reached right now.

After my robot calls you back, please punch in ‘<captcha-like string>’ then state your full name and the reason why you’re calling me. Your message will be put through to me once for approval. Then I can call you back when I get a sec. Or, you know, hit the number “1” and ban you forever.

But, what if you don’t or can’t provide a real phone number? Well. Go, get one. Like the one I have. That you just called. Then try again. Otherwise I’ll never know this call even existed.

Which is kinda cool, right? Yeah, exactly. Thanks!

Heaven, that’d be.

Basically, I want my phone to be a posh secret island that only my friends even know exists—let alone knowing exactly where it is and how to get there. If you’re not on the passenger list for the packet that ferries you over to my island, you don’t get in: GVoice returns “null.”

Then? Then, my friends, the increasingly ignorable “phone” part of my iPhone might (potentially) become useful to me again.

Maybe.