HOWTO process your new hotel room

0. Replace any partial roll of toilet paper with a fresh one
1. Gather all signs, placards, ads, offers, “magazines,” Gideon Bibles, or other marketing materials strewn throughout the room; place in lowest dresser drawer; close (and optionally duct-tape) drawer
2. Collect all fake plants, fake art objects, and other distracting kipple; place in closet; close closet door
3. On one newly marketing-free surface, prominently place photo of family you miss
4. Hang up thing to wear tomorrow; if wrinkled, hang in bathroom with shower running
5. Google for local public radio or college radio stations; retune radio accordingly
6. Set at least two alarms
7. Call room service; order large pot of coffee to arrive 30 minutes before you plan to wake up in the morning (this becomes another alarm)
8. Call family to say Good night
9. Turn TV to wherever Law & Order is playing (somewhere, Law & Order is always playing)
10. Wash hands
11. Brush teeth
12. Miss family
13. Try to sleep without obsessing over who used the first half of that toilet paper. Then slept where you are right now. Maybe naked.
14. Put on more layers; try to sleep again