1. No. Let ME reach out to YOU!

    A new auroresponse against my PR blacklist.

    UNSUBSCRIBE

    Uh oh, pisghettios!

    Our ruthlessly efficient robots say the message you just sent is junky PR Stuff. We don’t do junky PR stuff. By extension, we also don’t do press releases, “blasts, “sneak peeks,” or “blogger outreach.”

    The test: if your email is about something you want us to talk about or link to, it probably meets our definition of PR; if you get all testy and high-handed about our definition and wave your arms around like a crazy person screaming about us unfairly misunderstanding “value propositions,”disruptive paradigms,” “crossing the chasm,” or “end-to-end enterprise solutions?” Oh yeah. That’s even more definitely PR.

    And that’s a paddlin’.

    We’re really grateful to companies who respect our wishes by not including us in blasts, bacon, or whatever the au courant name is for sending email to people who don’t want it. We’re one of those people.

    So, with all respect and much gratitude, please unsubscribe this address from all lists immediately and permanently. Note that all messages sent by blacklisted addresses are deleted without reading, although a copy of all requests such as this one are retained in the event that we ever need to make fun of you in front of lots of powerful, influential people for not doing the simple, and very civil thing we’ve requested. (This sucks, because it makes your clients look like dicks. Which, of course, makes their PR people look like REALLY big dicks.)

    BUT! That said. If you’re positive that your name or domain is on here because of some horrible mistake or misunderstanding:

    1. go here http://i-0.us/bmNTLh,

    2. use a real, personal, operational, non-banned private email address

    3. include the subject line “PLEASE, REINSTATE ME, MY ANGRY AND VENGEFUL ROBOT MASTER!” (yes, EXACTLY like that)

    4. write a short message explaining how we got it wrong

    We’ll do what we can to fix it, but if you’re fibbing about it not being PR, we will definitely make fun of you and draw mustaches and genitals on photos of your most expensive clients. Or maybe even right there on your costly logo that you had all those meetings and offsite brainstorming sessions about.

    Like we had to do for those poor bastards at Ogilvy PR. They still LOVE “reaching out.”

    Don’t be the next example. Be a pal. Be legit. Represent your clients like an adult. Don’t send us junk.

    Thanks,

    Merlin’s Very Candid and Ruthless Email Robot

And, then, you were all...

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