An Incomplete Education

I’ll probably get skewered from every angle for this,¹ but what the heck. A pal asked me what I know about women for a project he’s doing. Here’s 10 minutes’ worth. Covered with grains of salt like:

1. Yes, a lot of this goes both ways. Obviously. Give it a rest.
2. Yes, some of these you won’t agree with. That’s why you and I never dated. Right? Exactly.

Anyhow, for what it’s worth:

Listen. Hear what she’s saying. Synthesize what you hear in your head, but be slow to offer advice or “solutions.” Women (like many men, including me) often think by talking – or, if you like, by being heard. Shut up and listen. Seriously. Shut the fuck up sometimes.

No woman wants to be your Mom. Give more than you get and be a grown-up about asking for sacrifices – especially if making that sacrifice goes against something she’s kinda unsure about, but which sticking to until she IS sure is making her feel stronger and more whole. Don’t be a dick.

Never buy her a garter belt. Ever. I’m totally fucking serious.

Hang up your towel. Every single time.

Do things without being asked. Even things she maybe didn’t know she wanted you to do.

If the things you’re doing without being asked annoy her, stop doing them. But don’t stop doing other things without being asked.

Love her friends. The guys too.

Always be punctual. Even if she isn’t. This is not a contest.

Ask before you bring people home. It’s not your dorm room; it’s her house too.

Be extremely clear in your own mind about the very very tiny number of things only you are allowed to ever be right about. Keep making that list smaller every month.

Remember what she said, what she prefers. Never hand her ketchup if she already said she hates ketchup. But don’t get creepy about it. Again. Listen and synthesize.

Small gifts. Very very small gifts. Just to help you both remember that you think about each other when you’re not around. Everybody likes presents.

Do what you say you’re going to do. Conversely, don’t say things you have no intention of doing.

Replace the toilet paper before it’s even nearly gone.

Don’t just put the seat down; close the lid too. Act like an adult.

Consider asking her help before you buy an engagement ring. Because she’s gotta wear it forever and you’re probably a cheap dope with terrible taste.

Figure out the child thing early. Even if either or both of you change your minds back and forth numerous times (and you probably will), NEVER say you want a kid if you don’t or vice versa. Seriously. It’s maybe the worst thing you can do.

All lies are bad. They are very hard to recover from. Even when it seems like you’ve recovered. You haven’t. You won’t. You can’t. You lied.

Respect her work as much as your own. Prove it with your decisions and sacrifices. This is so much more important than you think.

Get great at cunnilingus and, unless she tells you otherwise, embrace that it’s way way way more fun for her than all that Cinemax bullshit you try to make her do.

Corollary: if she doesn’t like it, be tactful about learning what she does like. Don’t obsess about it, but be cool. Get great at that and do it without being asked. Often.

Write down her sizes and keep it in your wallet. Clothes that fit and show you know who she is are a lovely gift. Lingerie does not count. Idiot.

Call. Especially if you said you would. On time.

Most importantly. Ignore every single bit of this if you or she thinks it’s wrong. I’m just a guy on the internet and you have no idea who I am.

Also, people don’t come with manuals. They’re weird and they change and they don’t want to be made to feel like a new PalmPilot you’re trying to figure out. (So. What do you do? I’ll tell you what you do…)

Listen.